[ His face falls on his end, though he echoes the sentiment strongly. ]
Me too. If there was a way to negotiate with one another... but not everyone on both sides wants to take the peaceful and pragmatic option. Though my father often emphasized loyalty, I could never be so blindly devoted that I'd lose all empathy for the other side.
[ Not when there are good people who are just caught up in the sadness of losing their loved ones. Which makes him wonder– ]
...If you don't mind me asking, did you lose someone... or a lot of someones important to you? In your dream, did you see them destroyed?
[ Matt makes an agreeing murmur in his mind, because yeah--he can't imagine losing empathy for his enemies. Things might be easier for him if he could. But then he stops.
He isn't cognizant of feeling uncomfortable at the question. He's not cognizant of feeling anything. As such, there's no immediate reason not to answer. ]
Well ... I mean, I guess my parents are dead, [ he says slowly. ] And my sister. And my academic advisor, he was a really nice guy. But it's, you know ... it's about more than me. There were all kinds of people where I came from--amazing people. Doctors, and scientists, and indigenous tribes who'd been hanging onto their traditions for thousands of years. Musicians. [ Matt sighs. ] God, the music! If you could just hear some of the music people made, just once, it'd light up your whole world. It'd change you. I know it changed me.
[ He swallows. Suddenly, he feels like he's about to cry, his throat going hot and tight. ]
[ The sadness is a faint echo that Thoma still feels. ]
I wish I had more than a glimmer of hope to offer you that they're still around. We just need to find a way back. I have my lord and lady left waiting for me, and I haven't stopped thinking about them since I woke up here... who would make their meals for them? Or clean up all the cobwebs? And Inazuma has all these strays that need to be fed.
[ Thoma can't imagine not fighting to get back to them nor can he imagine simply accepting that they're all gone. ]
I know it's hard when you can't talk to them. Blind faith and loyalty are difficult to maintain, but what if the Regent is wrong?
[ Last time they met, Matt said Thoma was too good. He feels that now. Even when he's thinking about what he's lost, he thinks of making other people's lives easier--other creatures'. From a lord and lady to the lowliest stray.
Matt's voice comes through as if from far away, like the connection between them is growing tenuous. ]
I've never had any hope they were alive. [ A sepulchral whisper. ] Even before I met the Regent.
Thoma ... I don't think we can go back anymore.
[ There's a pause. Then, a bit sturdier: ] And what if you're wrong? Do you ever think about just--coming here, and being with Childe and me? You have such a good heart ... I think you could make something beautiful.
[ As much as he likes helping people, the Regent wants to undo everything and cut short everyone's existence. He can't justify it no matter how he tries, even if his clan and everyone he loves was wiped out. ]
It's been years since I've seen my own father, too... I sailed out to look for him over ten years ago, but I still haven't given up hope of finding him and bringing him his favorite wine.
[ Granted, the wine had sunk when his ship did, and he nearly drowned, but–! ]
If I stop searching for them, then I'll become as aimless as I was as a kid. I might even lose my vision. It's my conviction that gives me strength, and I can't give that up. If you need to find your own, then believe me when I say I can feel connected to home still.
[ Rejection is only what Matt should expect. Very few Aions seem to understand the cost of not moving forward--even fellow Kenoma don't always get it. And it's not like his life before was overflowing with understanding and acceptance, so why would he expect any different now?
Even knowing all this, his walls are down. And in the moment, it hurts. ]
Well ... I don't want you to be different than you are.
[ He doesn't want anyone to feel alone in their despair. ]
Do you need company tonight? I doubt I can head into Achamoth without literally losing my head, but I know sometimes people just want to take their mind off the worst.
[ Too bad neutral areas are in short supply, but he can be stealthy in less guarded territory than Achamoth. Sort of. If he really tries. ]
[ Matt's already said too much, too fast, given that Thoma's a person he barely knows. But for just a moment ... he thinks about it. Sneaking out of Achamoth and down the river, finding some out of the way spot to meet Thoma and just--look up at the stars, or something. Not talk about all of this.
(Another thought bubbles up like an undertow: He wouldn't have to sneak out. He could let Amos know where he was going, Paul, maybe Ciel. And when he came back to Achamoth ... Thoma could be with him.)
As soon as that thought registers, Matt reels back from it. ]
No!
--No, I'm okay, I'm fine. [ A gust of laughter, nervy. ] That's sweet. But you don't have to do that.
I really wouldn't mind even if it's just to meet up somewhere on talk –or if you just need a shoulder to lean on for a bit.
[ Okay, he'd mind a little. He knows some of his allies would vehemently object, and also the being executed on sight thing is still rather nerve-wracking to consider. ]
But I guess this is probably the best we can do for tonight without a better plan. I can always try and bore you until you fall asleep?
[ Matt breathes out, calming himself by degrees. As he exhales, he tries to let the intrusive thoughts depart with his breath. ]
It'd be nice to see you again sometime, [ he murmurs. ] Maybe play hooky from being mortal enemies, somewhere. But you don't have to stay on the phone with me now ... I'll be okay.
[ He's still worried about leaving Matt like this and is trying to send some pleasant vibes his way. Hopefully, one of the Kenomas over there can also keep an eye on him. Maybe he'll ask Childe to check in on him... ]
Are you sure? I wouldn't mind seeing you again when things cool down a bit more. I'll even bring some homemade steamed buns with me.
It's quite nice when it's not being attacked. Lots of nice spots to sit in the shade and share food. I know a few hidden hideaways in Venera too if you just want to get drinks and try and blend in.
[ The blending in is more for himself, but he's made enough good friends over there that they probably wouldn't say anything if Thoma popped in. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-08-31 02:28 am (UTC)[ What is neither audible nor visible: Matt rolling around on his frankly impossibly huge bed, nearly toppling off it and into the bed moat. ]
Thoma, [ he protests, ] I wish we didn't have to fight.
[ Matt hasn't let himself say this in so many words in--God, weeks at least. Maybe months. He's scarcely let himself think it. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-08-31 03:17 am (UTC)Me too. If there was a way to negotiate with one another... but not everyone on both sides wants to take the peaceful and pragmatic option. Though my father often emphasized loyalty, I could never be so blindly devoted that I'd lose all empathy for the other side.
[ Not when there are good people who are just caught up in the sadness of losing their loved ones. Which makes him wonder– ]
...If you don't mind me asking, did you lose someone... or a lot of someones important to you? In your dream, did you see them destroyed?
no subject
Date: 2022-08-31 05:20 am (UTC)He isn't cognizant of feeling uncomfortable at the question. He's not cognizant of feeling anything. As such, there's no immediate reason not to answer. ]
Well ... I mean, I guess my parents are dead, [ he says slowly. ] And my sister. And my academic advisor, he was a really nice guy. But it's, you know ... it's about more than me. There were all kinds of people where I came from--amazing people. Doctors, and scientists, and indigenous tribes who'd been hanging onto their traditions for thousands of years. Musicians. [ Matt sighs. ] God, the music! If you could just hear some of the music people made, just once, it'd light up your whole world. It'd change you. I know it changed me.
[ He swallows. Suddenly, he feels like he's about to cry, his throat going hot and tight. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 11:51 pm (UTC)I wish I had more than a glimmer of hope to offer you that they're still around. We just need to find a way back. I have my lord and lady left waiting for me, and I haven't stopped thinking about them since I woke up here... who would make their meals for them? Or clean up all the cobwebs? And Inazuma has all these strays that need to be fed.
[ Thoma can't imagine not fighting to get back to them nor can he imagine simply accepting that they're all gone. ]
I know it's hard when you can't talk to them. Blind faith and loyalty are difficult to maintain, but what if the Regent is wrong?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 12:47 am (UTC)Matt's voice comes through as if from far away, like the connection between them is growing tenuous. ]
I've never had any hope they were alive. [ A sepulchral whisper. ] Even before I met the Regent.
Thoma ... I don't think we can go back anymore.
[ There's a pause. Then, a bit sturdier: ] And what if you're wrong? Do you ever think about just--coming here, and being with Childe and me? You have such a good heart ... I think you could make something beautiful.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 03:05 am (UTC)It's been years since I've seen my own father, too... I sailed out to look for him over ten years ago, but I still haven't given up hope of finding him and bringing him his favorite wine.
[ Granted, the wine had sunk when his ship did, and he nearly drowned, but–! ]
If I stop searching for them, then I'll become as aimless as I was as a kid. I might even lose my vision. It's my conviction that gives me strength, and I can't give that up. If you need to find your own, then believe me when I say I can feel connected to home still.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 03:29 am (UTC)Even knowing all this, his walls are down. And in the moment, it hurts. ]
Well ... I don't want you to be different than you are.
[ His voice sounds low and bruised. ]
But I'm lonelier here without you.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 04:16 am (UTC)[ He doesn't want anyone to feel alone in their despair. ]
Do you need company tonight? I doubt I can head into Achamoth without literally losing my head, but I know sometimes people just want to take their mind off the worst.
[ Too bad neutral areas are in short supply, but he can be stealthy in less guarded territory than Achamoth. Sort of. If he really tries. ]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 04:39 pm (UTC)(Another thought bubbles up like an undertow: He wouldn't have to sneak out. He could let Amos know where he was going, Paul, maybe Ciel. And when he came back to Achamoth ... Thoma could be with him.)
As soon as that thought registers, Matt reels back from it. ]
No!
--No, I'm okay, I'm fine. [ A gust of laughter, nervy. ] That's sweet. But you don't have to do that.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-03 04:47 pm (UTC)[ Okay, he'd mind a little. He knows some of his allies would vehemently object, and also the being executed on sight thing is still rather nerve-wracking to consider. ]
But I guess this is probably the best we can do for tonight without a better plan. I can always try and bore you until you fall asleep?
no subject
Date: 2022-09-04 01:48 am (UTC)It'd be nice to see you again sometime, [ he murmurs. ] Maybe play hooky from being mortal enemies, somewhere. But you don't have to stay on the phone with me now ... I'll be okay.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-05 07:49 pm (UTC)Are you sure? I wouldn't mind seeing you again when things cool down a bit more. I'll even bring some homemade steamed buns with me.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-05 08:47 pm (UTC)It'd be more than enough just to bring yourself.
But yeah ... when things cool down, that'd be nice. I don't know where's good for you, but I've never been to Godsblood.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-06 02:10 am (UTC)[ The blending in is more for himself, but he's made enough good friends over there that they probably wouldn't say anything if Thoma popped in. ]